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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
5:53 pm - alert the press. sound the alarm.
look! look! i'm friend's only! just like i have been for the past (almost) two years!

yeah, sorry about that.

comment for add.

add as in addition, not the acronym. nevermind.

current mood: sarcastic

(15 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
3:20 pm - why is it MARCH weather? this is LATE MAY...
i won't be your winter, and i won't be anyone's excuse to cry...

don't you love listening to random mixes and suddenly discovering songs that you'd forgotten about, but are perfect dance-around-the-house-with-the-cat songs?

mm, ya.

but today was the seniors' last day of school, which scares me, a lot, i think. they've got the rest of the week for finals, but they graduate in a week and a half. help?

hey hey, though, i drove to school in dad's standard, and i didn't stall out at all.

um, marlboro scares me. well, the fact that i'm running GMMS does, more, i guess.

HELP?

...and where have all the cowboys gone?...

current mood: nervous

(3 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Monday, May 16th, 2005
8:40 am - cramps + nausea + HW + ickiness = blech....but it's MCAS week!
p.s. we got home last night and there was a green balloon tied to our mailbox. is it an omen? are we about to be conquered by little green men?

current mood: tired

(lose me in the fog)

Monday, May 9th, 2005
8:48 am - ...next week is MCAS week, thank fucking god
ooooh....the library got new computers! except we have to like, um, sign on as ourselves, and stuff....WEIRD.

so mrs. vogel made us cupcakes with 5's on them for the AP tomorrow (she's so sweet!) and told us that if we didn't feel stupid, then we weren't challenging ourselves. well then. i guess it's true, sort of.

so dad spent the night at diane's because she's having surgery tomorrow, so i spent the night home alone. i guess it was kind of nice - the cat slept with me, for once, and i got up nice and early and made my own lunch and breakfast, and it was grand. did i mention that i discovered that dad has been hoarding a container of orange-chocolate chip from Ranc's in the freezer? mmmmm.....bad semi-vegan, bad semi-vegan.

but then i woke up in the morning and read the paper about the fucking asshole protesters at the memorial yesterday, and i just started crying (didn't help that i was listening to "let go") and then walking to school in the half-rain...but JJ cheered me up, and now everyone in the library is so confused about the new computers and and the OS (it's mac OS X) and so we're bonding. oh, the joys of technology....

current mood: confused/happy

(lose me in the fog)

Monday, February 28th, 2005
5:17 pm - oh me oh my
i am singing a little song. it goes something like this:
gillian, you shouldn't procraaaaaastiiiiiiiinaaaaaaaaaaaate
no no no
because if you do, you silly fool
you won't gooooooooo tooooooooooo DERT
and then you will cry...
cry cry cry
so do your sciiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeence project
TODAY!
and i am also eating soup with so much garlic in it that you all should be able to smell it.

and i got a letter from shahar today, and it made me happy.

and my father's girlfriend just called. and we had a conversation such as follows:
me: sorry, you just missed hime
dad's girlfriend: oh, is he out planting lawn signs?
me: yeah, he muttered something about campaigns and rigtheousness and went out the door waving his hands wildly and with his hair uncombed.
dad's girlfriend: oh.
me: try his cellphone. and ask him to pick up something with protein in it for dinner, please.
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* um, is he alright? he seemed a little frazzled last time i talked to him.
me: oh, he's just fine. i'm pretty sure he's just happy.
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* thanks.
me: no worries! bye!
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* bye....
she is officially a whack job. in a nice sort of way. of course, dating my father would do that to anybody, so....

current mood: amused

(lose me in the fog)

Thursday, December 9th, 2004
3:07 pm
to do: find something black to wear under my skele-shirt so i don't flash everyone.

also, re-learn how to put on makeup

dress tonight. DRESS TONIGHT. am not quite sure if i am totally ready for this. especially since pinewoods is coming to watch. so i really would like to be, say, excellent. and right now, i am feeling...mediocre. crappola.

and did i mention that my hormones are the wimpiest things ever? they match up to everyone elses. always. and i happen to be dating a girl with the most reliable schedule EVER. hence, i am sitting here 3 FUCKING WEEKS EARLY. excuse me, ma'am, body, i happen to like the old six week rotation. DO YOU MIND??? i barely have enough time to pee between shows, forget de-cramp. muthafuckas.

and i have 5 fucking costume changes in this show. excuse moi?

current mood: grumpy-ish

(3 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
6:29 pm - back on the face of the earth, having fallen off for a week to do revels
past...long timeCollapse )

in short: revels=awesome, parents=immature, i=apatheticandstupid

who are you, what have you sacrificed?
...do you think you're what they say you are?


conclusion: the middle segment of judas' death scene (in between "does he love me too? does he care for me?" and "my god...i'm sick...i've been used") has the coolest music ever, and should be made into a techno song that would be perfect dance music. simply too cool for words.





gillian: shrink for hire. cooks, cleans, subscribes to most every whim. specializes in reality checks and stiff doses of cynicism, practical to a fault, can be compassionate when need is great enough. payment/tips requested in the form of queer movies.

(7 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Thursday, March 4th, 2004
2:21 pm - sleeping
3 am, pulling blankets over my head because its so cold in the room - i wake up to a light, i can't see it through the sheets but i can feel it there. move blankets, move arms, put my face in the light - checks. i start to say it, then sit up. the light is the moon. i'm in my room. but it feels like it, feels like there, and i don't sleep again.

and today is just strange. it feels like i'm missing something, something that everyone else knows, but in a strangely not-paranoid way. in a fuck-it-all-i'm-tired-and-resigned-and-want-to-go-home-and-be-alone-and-feel-needed-and-wanted-and-productive way. and everything i've done for the past few weeks has been so oddly...apathetic. not apathetic, because that sounds too...intent. just too tired to do anything but get through it all. and i think, would i rather be a year ago?

and i would. no real emotion, too cynical but uncaring, i don't want to do this anymore. i just want to cry, cry a lot, scream, get out of wherever i've been and stop living d/d, because its no way to live. i'm out of control, running on rationality. and i thought it would be better this way, and i don't know how to get out. before, i knew how, but wouldn't, but i haven't even the slightest idea what to do.

swish, flash, "checks", click.

better then having a clock.

walking this morning, saw a purple latex glove on the ground and couldn't bear to go by it. snap out, help?

(lose me in the fog)

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
3:05 pm - this day, a year ago...
bitter laughter perched in the back of my throat, pushing to spill out. and so i'm biting my tongue because if i know that if i laugh, then i'll start to cry. "and that's the worst thing that can happen to you here, because you're alone, so much more alone then you could ever imagine"

she said "those look like they really hurt alot!" as i stand naked with a sheet.

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
11:56 pm
it was a weird day. everyone, especially i, was moving in a fog. maybe i'm just tired. doesn't really feel like it, though...

poetry from bio dio (direct quotes from my paper, totally unintentional):
thin and small
~1 mm long
like a slug -
splotchy dark on translucent cream

filmy brown
tan cone
laced with spiders
but not
its a rock
solid

my conclusions /c the LHS junior english department: the teachers are all mildly paranoid. as evidence, comments from mrs. dyro (she came to present to our class):
-GRIDS! YOU'RE IN ONE!
-how fast can you pass a sandwich up your nose, digest it, and move on to the next NIGHTMARE?! we're all MANIC!!!
-my kids are probably gone right now...and its all your fault

NF is wonderful because juliet and seth are working it. good old times.

i was dazed and talking to myself, and wondered if maybe i should sing to raise my spirits. incongruously, the only thing to pop into my head was bob franke:

"hallelujah, the great storm is over, lift up your wings and fly..."


my life is weird. waiting for tomorrow with...baited breath?

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

6:45 am - watching eddie izzard: dress to kill (borrowed from sarah)
FUNNY AS ALL HELL. (see? weirdo transvestite, executive transvestite!) english accents seem to go a long way in making a career in comedy. (transvestites are more like...male lesbians) but why am i here at 6.45 on a tuesday morning? because my life for the next few days rocks!

yesterday:
7-3: at school
4-4.45: at home
5.15-11.15: at NF (first church)
home just before midnight

today:
7-4.30: at school
bus to alewife to harvard square
5.30-11.30: at NF (first church)
and the same thing tomorrow! except leaving at 6.30am to get to school for the review session

my life is being nice. thankyou.

except...has anyone else noticed that my life has suddenly been divided into shifts? 7-3, 3-11, 11-7 i keep waiting for the night staff...

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

Monday, March 1st, 2004
4:28 pm - and i can't see me loving nobody but you, for all my life....
yesterday:

i had forgotten about the joys of 7 hour rehearsals at st. johns. they're LONG. it's all th elittle people rehearsing. great fun, and the orchestra is surprisingly decent, but i want to either do something or go home.
low-lights of the day:
-paddy spending half an hour trying to get 112 6-11 year olds to pronounce 'kyrie eleison' properly
-a 4th grader in a dog mask puking all over the altar, and much of the sanctuary as well

highlights of the day:
-eating neon blue popsicles outisde in the 50 degree weather
-*kids are chaotic*
me: who decided to do this thing?
ginny: *sighs* george...
me: is he craz-
ginny: YES
-*george tries to sing over a 40 piece orchestra and is totally inaudible*
elizabeth(the stage manager): you really can't hear him at all
me: are they going to be mic-ed?
elizabeth: i don't think they've really figured that out yet
me: *cries because the show opens thursday*
elizabeth: or...um...(not sounding particularly convincing) maybe they have decided but just haven't told me!

on a totally unrelated note, my not-frostbite has gone away almost entirely, which makes me rather cheerful because it was itchy as all hell. also, starbucks makes a damn good vegan hotchocolate, as it turns out.

today:

well, it wasn't The Day. so waiting for wednesday with great apprehension. ack.

cheeriness - got out of gym early and sat with beth and jeanne and their junior friends and felt rather loved and was joked with. also cheeriness because we had a GSA auction meeting afterschool that made me rather fuzzy. <3 paul. not short annoying one, big gay one. off to my 5.30-10 rehearsal, pray for my soul, please?

also its spring, and i managed to find THE muddiest path possible across the golfcourse on my lovely walk home.

current mood: tired/hopeful

(4 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Sunday, February 29th, 2004
8:01 am - why am i online at 7.30 on a sunday morning?
yesterday in greater detail:

go out to lunch with liora at via lago. we wander around a chat, comment on the fact that all we do anymore is discuss relationships, express mild concern at said revelation, and continue talking about them. mum comes and picks us up in the center, we drive out to LS for marcia's g/s show, being Pirates of Penzance this year. great fun, in a rather odd way. we were working, so i spent intermission plunging my arm into a bucket of ice water looking for diet sprite, but it was a good time.

afterwards mum and i go home, sit around for a while, and i make garlic/tofu/vegetable/noodle stirfry. i ask her if i could have someone over that night, she rants a bit, i shrink her, she rants more, i skillfully rebut everything she says and she looks like she's going to whack me with the skillet she's washing. i forgot how much she doesn't like losing arguments. i gave up, she let me invite someone. call sarah, she comes over, we watch dirty dancing, its great fun. she leaves at 10, i go online and talk to no one, because everyone is off having a life, and tamar calls and tells me the results of globe yesterday, those being:

awards for:
beth got 'best stage manager' GO BETH!!!
set design
danni, dana, and chris got individual acting awards
ensemble as a whole got something for being so tight
and we're going to semis!


mother's total lack of tact:
at LS:
mum: is there anything up with (person A)?
me: sort of, but i'm not at liberty to discuss it
mum: are they alright?
me: i'm not at liberty to discuss it, but no one is in danger of dieing, if that helps
mum: should i be worried for (person A) or about (person A)?
me: i really can't talk about this
mum: i just need to know! its important!
me: its none of your business. i'm only involved for moral support, it has nothing to do with you at all.
mum: it is my business!
me: (trying not to scream) how?
mum: (gets called away)

last night:
how much hinting could it possibly take to get her to LEAVE THE ROOM? yes, i agreed that if you want to come in and watch the really cool dance sequences, that's great. however, the really cool dance sequence ended about five minutes ago, along with the rest of the movie - yet you're still sitting there. remind me why?
i knew there was a reason we really didn't get along.

(5 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Saturday, February 28th, 2004
10:37 pm - my mother has no tact. today was my-mother-has-no-tact-day
also, laurie r. king is my goddess

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

Friday, February 27th, 2004
9:09 pm - we watched finding nemo
we being me and mother.

mother cried. at finding nemo. i haven't cried at a movie in months. i was...unnerved.

tomorrow: lunch with liora, ushering for LS savoyards at 1, then who knows? maybe i'll call people and make plans.
sunday: rehearsal. 2-8 at st. johns i believe. i might die. a little.

and then...back to school. gah. my life is poo-ish and weird. i have approximately 0 energy.

note to self: when making a 1-and-a-half batch of brownies, try to think about how much of the bowl ONE batch of brownie batter fills, and choose a bowl sized proportionatly.

on the other hand, i walked home in EIGHTEEN MINUTES, which is a grand record. except shin splints=PAIN

"i am ashamed"

best line in the whole movie.

discussing my love life with jocey. she is amused, and makes fun of me for being silly. well really she just makes fun of the lesbian drama. but it is tres amusant.

(3 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

6:30 pm - quite possibly my current favorite joke. highly disturbing. alexandra told it to me in math class.
A little boy was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted, because, y'know, he looked about twelve. He stared at her and said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, hell, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he had stepped inside, she asked him if he had any specific girl in mind. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam being the Madam said, "No! of course not!" He said, "well, I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door. The Madam was rather curious, so she stopped him and asked, "Why did you want the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have rape me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She'll get the disease that I just caught, and then when Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the droping the baby-sitter off, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will stop by, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

current mood: :D

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

6:07 pm - how to win friends and influence people, OR how to increase your self esteem without even trying
make brownies. lots of them. a whole big 9x13 pan, and bring them to hungry actors/teches/persons-finishing-drivers-ed. guaranteed to make you feel a hundred times better. not only do you get to bake, but you get to feed people, and be legitimately complimented. and feel extremely loved. make sure you have a few people lined up to eat all the extras, though. not that there were many, but beth and tamar got to eat all the crumbs (at my insistence)

tech has been much fun for the past few days:
wednesday: frenchbraid everyone's hair (everyone being sara wood, tamar, and beth), sit around, watch rehearsal, nearly cry when steve decides what he's going to do with the egg
thursday: find actors in storage painting their costumes. beginning to paint their costumes. for the show tomorrow. gotta love em
friday (today): visit people. feed people brownies. listen to sara sing on headset. listen to jamie rant a lot. feel happy and useful feeding people.
and that is why i love tech. pretty much.

walking across lincoln field in the morning makes me half incredibly happy, half inexplicably sad. i'm walking down the street, and i turn the corner and see the field and its green, and alive and beautiful and for those first few seconds its spring everywhere and i feel this weight lift off my shoulders until i realize oh, its fake. its not-astroturf, and spring isn't coming soon its just the stupid fake grass that's making me happy and i'm such an idiot, because i get fooled by it every goddamn day.

QUOTE of the day:
mom: you seem very into the psychology of food

(2 wanderers | lose me in the fog)

Thursday, February 26th, 2004
8:54 pm - 365 days ago...
...i was in the emerson ER waiting room. good times, good times.

walked home in the dark through the woods yesterday after tech, forgot about the ice, dropped my flashlight and nearly killed myself. almost got lost on lincoln park, the usual. today was surprisingly good, i hate public speaking (ie my english presentation) and everything else was jolly.

iguana cantina induced happiness with katia and jane, much joy. also laughing about cats. no awkwardness /c queer things. GOOD.

also grinning idiotically like a 7th grader. oh me oh my.

current mood: idiotically happy

(lose me in the fog)

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
7:34 am
monday:
"some people chant, some people smoke pot, some people bungee jump. what do you do to be happy?"
"nothing. i'm not."

more...Collapse )

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

Monday, February 23rd, 2004
2:10 pm - in which gillian discovers that she fails miseraby in the stage management department
also in which gillian breaks off all of her fingernails respiking the entire floor of the parish hall in st. johns

also also in which gillian fruitlessly searches for magnets without any success whatsoever

also also also in which gillian's handwriting becomes illegible to the point where it is indistinguishable from her frantic doodlings in the script margins

also^4 in which gillian decides to take a boy soprano home with her, but then thinks better of it when the idea of a 7-year-old male in the house kicks in

...and then i called people and was amused.

current mood: ...school...

(1 wanderer | lose me in the fog)

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