Gillian (iamtheocean) wrote,


3 am, pulling blankets over my head because its so cold in the room - i wake up to a light, i can't see it through the sheets but i can feel it there. move blankets, move arms, put my face in the light - checks. i start to say it, then sit up. the light is the moon. i'm in my room. but it feels like it, feels like there, and i don't sleep again.

and today is just strange. it feels like i'm missing something, something that everyone else knows, but in a strangely not-paranoid way. in a fuck-it-all-i'm-tired-and-resigned-and-want-to-go-home-and-be-alone-and-feel-needed-and-wanted-and-productive way. and everything i've done for the past few weeks has been so oddly...apathetic. not apathetic, because that sounds too...intent. just too tired to do anything but get through it all. and i think, would i rather be a year ago?

and i would. no real emotion, too cynical but uncaring, i don't want to do this anymore. i just want to cry, cry a lot, scream, get out of wherever i've been and stop living d/d, because its no way to live. i'm out of control, running on rationality. and i thought it would be better this way, and i don't know how to get out. before, i knew how, but wouldn't, but i haven't even the slightest idea what to do.

swish, flash, "checks", click.

better then having a clock.

walking this morning, saw a purple latex glove on the ground and couldn't bear to go by it. snap out, help?
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