how do you improve quinoa loaf?

alert the press. sound the alarm.

2006-02-08T22:38:29Z

look! look! i'm friend's only! just like i have been for the past (almost) two years!

yeah, sorry about that.

comment for add.

add as in addition, not the acronym. nevermind.

why is it MARCH weather? this is LATE MAY...

2005-05-24T19:35:45Z

i won't be your winter, and i won't be anyone's excuse to cry...

don't you love listening to random mixes and suddenly discovering songs that you'd forgotten about, but are perfect dance-around-the-house-with-the-cat songs?

mm, ya.

but today was the seniors' last day of school, which scares me, a lot, i think. they've got the rest of the week for finals, but they graduate in a week and a half. help?

hey hey, though, i drove to school in dad's standard, and i didn't stall out at all.

um, marlboro scares me. well, the fact that i'm running GMMS does, more, i guess.

HELP?

...and where have all the cowboys gone?...

cramps + nausea + HW + ickiness = blech....but it's MCAS week!

2005-05-16T12:42:15Z

p.s. we got home last night and there was a green balloon tied to our mailbox. is it an omen? are we about to be conquered by little green men?

...next week is MCAS week, thank fucking god

2005-05-09T12:49:31Z

ooooh....the library got new computers! except we have to like, um, sign on as ourselves, and stuff....WEIRD.

so mrs. vogel made us cupcakes with 5's on them for the AP tomorrow (she's so sweet!) and told us that if we didn't feel stupid, then we weren't challenging ourselves. well then. i guess it's true, sort of.

so dad spent the night at diane's because she's having surgery tomorrow, so i spent the night home alone. i guess it was kind of nice - the cat slept with me, for once, and i got up nice and early and made my own lunch and breakfast, and it was grand. did i mention that i discovered that dad has been hoarding a container of orange-chocolate chip from Ranc's in the freezer? mmmmm.....bad semi-vegan, bad semi-vegan.

but then i woke up in the morning and read the paper about the fucking asshole protesters at the memorial yesterday, and i just started crying (didn't help that i was listening to "let go") and then walking to school in the half-rain...but JJ cheered me up, and now everyone in the library is so confused about the new computers and and the OS (it's mac OS X) and so we're bonding. oh, the joys of technology....

oh me oh my

2005-02-28T22:26:02Z

i am singing a little song. it goes something like this:

gillian, you shouldn't procraaaaaastiiiiiiiinaaaaaaaaaaaate
no no no
because if you do, you silly fool
you won't gooooooooo tooooooooooo DERT
and then you will cry...
cry cry cry
so do your sciiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeence project
TODAY!

and i am also eating soup with so much garlic in it that you all should be able to smell it.

and i got a letter from shahar today, and it made me happy.

and my father's girlfriend just called. and we had a conversation such as follows:

me: sorry, you just missed hime
dad's girlfriend: oh, is he out planting lawn signs?
me: yeah, he muttered something about campaigns and rigtheousness and went out the door waving his hands wildly and with his hair uncombed.
dad's girlfriend: oh.
me: try his cellphone. and ask him to pick up something with protein in it for dinner, please.
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* um, is he alright? he seemed a little frazzled last time i talked to him.
me: oh, he's just fine. i'm pretty sure he's just happy.
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* thanks.
me: no worries! bye!
dad's girlfriend: oh. *long pause* bye....

she is officially a whack job. in a nice sort of way. of course, dating my father would do that to anybody, so....

iamtheocean @ 2004-12-09T15:07:00

2004-12-09T20:11:52Z

to do: find something black to wear under my skele-shirt so i don't flash everyone.

also, re-learn how to put on makeup

dress tonight. DRESS TONIGHT. am not quite sure if i am totally ready for this. especially since pinewoods is coming to watch. so i really would like to be, say, excellent. and right now, i am feeling...mediocre. crappola.

and did i mention that my hormones are the wimpiest things ever? they match up to everyone elses. always. and i happen to be dating a girl with the most reliable schedule EVER. hence, i am sitting here 3 FUCKING WEEKS EARLY. excuse me, ma'am, body, i happen to like the old six week rotation. DO YOU MIND??? i barely have enough time to pee between shows, forget de-cramp. muthafuckas.

and i have 5 fucking costume changes in this show. excuse moi?

back on the face of the earth, having fallen off for a week to do revels

2004-03-09T23:16:41Z

um...lessee. friday was a bad morning, dad said he would drive me to the show and then flipped a shit at me in the car, pulled over in the center and told me to get out then just drove off. so i took a bus in. first show was of course mildly insane, then back to school for a bio quiz, math, weird not-quite-there feeling all over. then back for another show, a production meeting at the bar in the sheridan commander, and home. saturday brought a little sleep, then off again for 2 more shows. nice long break in between, shopping (buttons and proletariat (wonderful shop, rather expensive for a secondhand place, though...)), and then the second show. beautiful, finally actually got a seat to do spot from, which was nice because it gave me arm a break (we had been rather twitching before) and strike. juliet and i told the lovely audience members to get the hell off the stage (smiling beautifically, of course), and then took everything apart. coiled cable for about an hour, then climbed up to the eaves above the sanctuary with juliet and lowered the cross, cleaned up all the gels, and poked around for a while. juliet went back downstairs, i went up to the belfry. beautiful beyond belief. gorgeous. then out to john harvard's for our after-run entertainment, home by midnight. sleeping, lots of it, sunday was gorgeous. sat out on the lawn on a tea towel eating baby corn out of half open can wearing nylon plaid and atrocious patterns and enjoyed the Eccentricity, then off to practice. and then today happened.

grumpiness in the morning, because school and shit like that. dad was being kind of annoying, and when i asked him to leave me alone he got pissy and i just gave up and started baiting him. first time in an awfully long while, and i hate saying it, but it was...fun? *smack* got flipped out at (totally deservedly, this time), stormed out on, etc. almost started hyperventilating, started breathing very deeply and calming down. then 2 minutes out the door on the walk to school the snow was just too much like tears and i started crying. put pennywise in the discman to get a sharp dose of cynicism and teenage rebellion so i could get through school, and it just didn't work. cried halfway there, got into the building and dumped my coat, my stuff, wandered around a bit totally on another planet. weird morning, found ms. buttaro after first block and made an appointment. english, spanish, meeting with MB, 45 minutes of weirdness. talked, couldn't really get out what i meant, but felt sort of better because i was so close to crying and didn't and felt in control and shit like that. lunch, got a pass to go to ceramics during study so i could actually finish my pot, then off to gym and then history. took the multiple choice section, got jokingly yelled at for not telling her earlier, felt inexplicably guilty, went to pottery last block and satisfied my grubbiness urge. started feeling better, got a little bit of love after school that i really needed, walked home. was too cynical for mom, got a door slammed in my face. she hid in the study for 20 minutes or so, went to ariela's and was rather out of it. ariela drove me home, then dinner and will and grace. slightly better, then listening to JCSuperstar.

in short: revels=awesome, parents=immature, i=apatheticandstupid

who are you, what have you sacrificed?
...do you think you're what they say you are?

conclusion: the middle segment of judas' death scene (in between "does he love me too? does he care for me?" and "my god...i'm sick...i've been used") has the coolest music ever, and should be made into a techno song that would be perfect dance music. simply too cool for words.

gillian: shrink for hire. cooks, cleans, subscribes to most every whim. specializes in reality checks and stiff doses of cynicism, practical to a fault, can be compassionate when need is great enough. payment/tips requested in the form of queer movies.

sleeping

2004-03-04T19:33:33Z

3 am, pulling blankets over my head because its so cold in the room - i wake up to a light, i can't see it through the sheets but i can feel it there. move blankets, move arms, put my face in the light - checks. i start to say it, then sit up. the light is the moon. i'm in my room. but it feels like it, feels like there, and i don't sleep again.

and today is just strange. it feels like i'm missing something, something that everyone else knows, but in a strangely not-paranoid way. in a fuck-it-all-i'm-tired-and-resigned-and-want-to-go-home-and-be-alone-and-feel-needed-and-wanted-and-productive way. and everything i've done for the past few weeks has been so oddly...apathetic. not apathetic, because that sounds too...intent. just too tired to do anything but get through it all. and i think, would i rather be a year ago?

and i would. no real emotion, too cynical but uncaring, i don't want to do this anymore. i just want to cry, cry a lot, scream, get out of wherever i've been and stop living d/d, because its no way to live. i'm out of control, running on rationality. and i thought it would be better this way, and i don't know how to get out. before, i knew how, but wouldn't, but i haven't even the slightest idea what to do.

swish, flash, "checks", click.

better then having a clock.

walking this morning, saw a purple latex glove on the ground and couldn't bear to go by it. snap out, help?

this day, a year ago...

2004-03-03T20:08:16Z

bitter laughter perched in the back of my throat, pushing to spill out. and so i'm biting my tongue because if i know that if i laugh, then i'll start to cry. "and that's the worst thing that can happen to you here, because you're alone, so much more alone then you could ever imagine"

she said "those look like they really hurt alot!" as i stand naked with a sheet.

iamtheocean @ 2004-03-02T23:56:00

2004-03-03T12:02:53Z

it was a weird day. everyone, especially i, was moving in a fog. maybe i'm just tired. doesn't really feel like it, though...

poetry from bio dio (direct quotes from my paper, totally unintentional):

thin and small
~1 mm long
like a slug -
splotchy dark on translucent cream

filmy brown
tan cone
laced with spiders
but not
its a rock
solid

my conclusions /c the LHS junior english department: the teachers are all mildly paranoid. as evidence, comments from mrs. dyro (she came to present to our class):

-GRIDS! YOU'RE IN ONE!
-how fast can you pass a sandwich up your nose, digest it, and move on to the next NIGHTMARE?! we're all MANIC!!!
-my kids are probably gone right now...and its all your fault

NF is wonderful because juliet and seth are working it. good old times.

i was dazed and talking to myself, and wondered if maybe i should sing to raise my spirits. incongruously, the only thing to pop into my head was bob franke:

"hallelujah, the great storm is over, lift up your wings and fly..."

my life is weird. waiting for tomorrow with...baited breath?

watching eddie izzard: dress to kill (borrowed from sarah)

2004-03-02T11:49:41Z

FUNNY AS ALL HELL. (see? weirdo transvestite, executive transvestite!) english accents seem to go a long way in making a career in comedy. (transvestites are more like...male lesbians) but why am i here at 6.45 on a tuesday morning? because my life for the next few days rocks!

yesterday:
7-3: at school
4-4.45: at home
5.15-11.15: at NF (first church)
home just before midnight

today:
7-4.30: at school
bus to alewife to harvard square
5.30-11.30: at NF (first church)
and the same thing tomorrow! except leaving at 6.30am to get to school for the review session

my life is being nice. thankyou.

except...has anyone else noticed that my life has suddenly been divided into shifts? 7-3, 3-11, 11-7 i keep waiting for the night staff...

and i can't see me loving nobody but you, for all my life....

2004-03-01T21:27:26Z

yesterday:

i had forgotten about the joys of 7 hour rehearsals at st. johns. they're LONG. it's all th elittle people rehearsing. great fun, and the orchestra is surprisingly decent, but i want to either do something or go home.
low-lights of the day:

-paddy spending half an hour trying to get 112 6-11 year olds to pronounce 'kyrie eleison' properly
-a 4th grader in a dog mask puking all over the altar, and much of the sanctuary as well

highlights of the day:

-eating neon blue popsicles outisde in the 50 degree weather
-*kids are chaotic*
me: who decided to do this thing?
ginny: *sighs* george...
me: is he craz-
ginny: YES
-*george tries to sing over a 40 piece orchestra and is totally inaudible*
elizabeth(the stage manager): you really can't hear him at all
me: are they going to be mic-ed?
elizabeth: i don't think they've really figured that out yet
me: *cries because the show opens thursday*
elizabeth: or...um...(not sounding particularly convincing) maybe they have decided but just haven't told me!

on a totally unrelated note, my not-frostbite has gone away almost entirely, which makes me rather cheerful because it was itchy as all hell. also, starbucks makes a damn good vegan hotchocolate, as it turns out.

today:

well, it wasn't The Day. so waiting for wednesday with great apprehension. ack.

cheeriness - got out of gym early and sat with beth and jeanne and their junior friends and felt rather loved and was joked with. also cheeriness because we had a GSA auction meeting afterschool that made me rather fuzzy. <3 paul. not short annoying one, big gay one. off to my 5.30-10 rehearsal, pray for my soul, please?

also its spring, and i managed to find THE muddiest path possible across the golfcourse on my lovely walk home.

why am i online at 7.30 on a sunday morning?

2004-02-29T12:48:04Z

yesterday in greater detail:

go out to lunch with liora at via lago. we wander around a chat, comment on the fact that all we do anymore is discuss relationships, express mild concern at said revelation, and continue talking about them. mum comes and picks us up in the center, we drive out to LS for marcia's g/s show, being Pirates of Penzance this year. great fun, in a rather odd way. we were working, so i spent intermission plunging my arm into a bucket of ice water looking for diet sprite, but it was a good time.

afterwards mum and i go home, sit around for a while, and i make garlic/tofu/vegetable/noodle stirfry. i ask her if i could have someone over that night, she rants a bit, i shrink her, she rants more, i skillfully rebut everything she says and she looks like she's going to whack me with the skillet she's washing. i forgot how much she doesn't like losing arguments. i gave up, she let me invite someone. call sarah, she comes over, we watch dirty dancing, its great fun. she leaves at 10, i go online and talk to no one, because everyone is off having a life, and tamar calls and tells me the results of globe yesterday, those being:

awards for:
beth got 'best stage manager' GO BETH!!!
set design
danni, dana, and chris got individual acting awards
ensemble as a whole got something for being so tight
and we're going to semis!

mother's total lack of tact:
at LS:

mum: is there anything up with (person A)?
me: sort of, but i'm not at liberty to discuss it
mum: are they alright?
me: i'm not at liberty to discuss it, but no one is in danger of dieing, if that helps
mum: should i be worried for (person A) or about (person A)?
me: i really can't talk about this
mum: i just need to know! its important!
me: its none of your business. i'm only involved for moral support, it has nothing to do with you at all.
mum: it is my business!
me: (trying not to scream) how?
mum: (gets called away)

last night:
how much hinting could it possibly take to get her to LEAVE THE ROOM? yes, i agreed that if you want to come in and watch the really cool dance sequences, that's great. however, the really cool dance sequence ended about five minutes ago, along with the rest of the movie - yet you're still sitting there. remind me why?
i knew there was a reason we really didn't get along.

my mother has no tact. today was my-mother-has-no-tact-day

2004-02-29T03:23:34Z

also, laurie r. king is my goddess

we watched finding nemo

2004-02-28T02:03:47Z

we being me and mother.

mother cried. at finding nemo. i haven't cried at a movie in months. i was...unnerved.

tomorrow: lunch with liora, ushering for LS savoyards at 1, then who knows? maybe i'll call people and make plans.
sunday: rehearsal. 2-8 at st. johns i believe. i might die. a little.

and then...back to school. gah. my life is poo-ish and weird. i have approximately 0 energy.

note to self: when making a 1-and-a-half batch of brownies, try to think about how much of the bowl ONE batch of brownie batter fills, and choose a bowl sized proportionatly.

on the other hand, i walked home in EIGHTEEN MINUTES, which is a grand record. except shin splints=PAIN

"i am ashamed"

best line in the whole movie.

discussing my love life with jocey. she is amused, and makes fun of me for being silly. well really she just makes fun of the lesbian drama. but it is tres amusant.

quite possibly my current favorite joke. highly disturbing. alexandra told it to me in math class.

2004-02-27T23:20:52Z

A little boy was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted, because, y'know, he looked about twelve. He stared at her and said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, hell, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he had stepped inside, she asked him if he had any specific girl in mind. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam being the Madam said, "No! of course not!" He said, "well, I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door. The Madam was rather curious, so she stopped him and asked, "Why did you want the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have rape me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She'll get the disease that I just caught, and then when Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the droping the baby-sitter off, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will stop by, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

how to win friends and influence people, OR how to increase your self esteem without even trying

2004-02-27T23:11:08Z

make brownies. lots of them. a whole big 9x13 pan, and bring them to hungry actors/teches/persons-finishing-drivers-ed. guaranteed to make you feel a hundred times better. not only do you get to bake, but you get to feed people, and be legitimately complimented. and feel extremely loved. make sure you have a few people lined up to eat all the extras, though. not that there were many, but beth and tamar got to eat all the crumbs (at my insistence)

tech has been much fun for the past few days:

wednesday: frenchbraid everyone's hair (everyone being sara wood, tamar, and beth), sit around, watch rehearsal, nearly cry when steve decides what he's going to do with the egg
thursday: find actors in storage painting their costumes. beginning to paint their costumes. for the show tomorrow. gotta love em
friday (today): visit people. feed people brownies. listen to sara sing on headset. listen to jamie rant a lot. feel happy and useful feeding people.

and that is why i love tech. pretty much.

walking across lincoln field in the morning makes me half incredibly happy, half inexplicably sad. i'm walking down the street, and i turn the corner and see the field and its green, and alive and beautiful and for those first few seconds its spring everywhere and i feel this weight lift off my shoulders until i realize oh, its fake. its not-astroturf, and spring isn't coming soon its just the stupid fake grass that's making me happy and i'm such an idiot, because i get fooled by it every goddamn day.

QUOTE of the day:
mom: you seem very into the psychology of food

365 days ago...

2004-02-27T01:45:10Z

...i was in the emerson ER waiting room. good times, good times.

walked home in the dark through the woods yesterday after tech, forgot about the ice, dropped my flashlight and nearly killed myself. almost got lost on lincoln park, the usual. today was surprisingly good, i hate public speaking (ie my english presentation) and everything else was jolly.

iguana cantina induced happiness with katia and jane, much joy. also laughing about cats. no awkwardness /c queer things. GOOD.

also grinning idiotically like a 7th grader. oh me oh my.

iamtheocean @ 2004-02-25T07:34:00

2004-02-25T12:21:38Z

monday:
"some people chant, some people smoke pot, some people bungee jump. what do you do to be happy?"
"nothing. i'm not."

school, eh, the usual. then tech afterwards, and sitting around. fixed as much as i could, then watched the show. its odd, let me tell you. anyways, afterwards i figured out some way to fix up the egg, then decided that i didn't really feel like walking home so i called dad again and said i would be late. sarah wood thought she could give me a ride home, but then she had class council so we had to wait about 25 minutes, so eh, whatever. i call mom because dad had told me to, so i did, and she's like "oh, yeah, by the way, do you know someone named molly? she called" and i was like...ok, how many phone calls per shift would she get? anyways, i went back and lay on the stage. beth comes over and says "be happy" and i told her i was, and she declared that i wasn't, stop being silly. am i really that easy to read? i expect that from anyone who knew me last year, but. but what? i dunno.

anyways, we both lay there on the stage and she slept and i tried to fix my leg. its like cramps, dull and almost non-existant for a long time, and then all of a sudden there's this splitting pain that it takes all of my self control to keep from doubling up at, and then 5 minutes later its gone, just as i think i can't take it anymore. and then tamar and jeanne came back and we all sat around, jeanne left and i talked to tamar. beth was of course still lying there, i have no idea how much she heard and/or how much sense she could make of it. anyways, i just sorta...i dunno. i can't really remember what i said, i remember saying something, i remember talking, but i can't really imagine what i was talking about, except that it was hospital related. anyways, sarah came back from her meeting and drove me home, and i got there and dad was pissed. started ranting at me about being late, and i calmly reminded him of his hypocrisy, noting that i imagined that i had some idea how he was feeling and that it wasn't a reason not to chastise me, but he shouldn't be angry until he at least tries to fix his own act up. to which he respnded by picking up the phone and making as if to throw it at me, then regaining control and screaming about how i should know not to bait him.

and then to mom's, molly called and it was wonderful because we bonded very much. and i really enjoy talking to her on the phone. and it was amusing. tuesday after vacation, ah yes. that was it! there's something about february. what is it about february that makes people want to kill themselves?

Psh. And then there was yesterday, which was boring in a low-key way, classes the usual et al. and then tech, and steve was picky, and i’m just glad I’m not an actor. And then I ended up staying until 7.15, but we never got around to the egg because steve got to that part of the show and then decided that ‘oh, we’ll do it tomorrow’, and I nearly cried. Went to via lago and got pesto pasta and orangina for dinner, that’s happiness for you right there. Had a lovely conversation with peter about hot actresses, was mildly scarred (“no that’s not what I’m doing! I’m just…vibrating”) OH AND TALK ABOUT BEING SCARRED. Bio, we’re talking about prezygotic barriers between inter-species reproduction, right? So she’s telling us about “mechanical” barriers. And rather then just saying that sexual mechanisms of different animals won’t necessarily work well together in a technical way, she starts talking about frogs and polar bears and how if you put them in a cage together nothing’s going to happen, etc. and as if that wasn’t bad enough, she says “I mean, I assume that none of you are intimately acquainted with the genitalia of frogs or polar bears, unless you’ve spent a little too much time at the zoo looking at things, but use your imagination.” In the same lecture, she also managed to say “sperm” 7 times in 30 seconds (totally coherently) which is probably some sort of a world record. In any case, much scarrage. Chloe and I were absolutely traumatized.

in which gillian discovers that she fails miseraby in the stage management department

2004-02-23T19:10:25Z

also in which gillian breaks off all of her fingernails respiking the entire floor of the parish hall in st. johns

also also in which gillian fruitlessly searches for magnets without any success whatsoever

also also also in which gillian's handwriting becomes illegible to the point where it is indistinguishable from her frantic doodlings in the script margins

also^4 in which gillian decides to take a boy soprano home with her, but then thinks better of it when the idea of a 7-year-old male in the house kicks in

...and then i called people and was amused.

iamtheocean @ 2004-02-22T16:10:00

2004-02-22T21:12:08Z

yesterday: kristin (F-R) calls, turns out she's back for a week. comes over around 9, we watch my big fat greek wedding and drink tea and eat brownies and look at pictures and sing along to various CDs. get into bed around 1, and this morning dawns with showers and pancakes.

sarah calls, we get together for about an hour and sit on my bed and talk and it is much fun. then dad drops her at home, takes me to st. johns in watertown for a N.F. rehearsal. enter:
gillian's grand adventure
1. gillian gets dropped off at st. johns
2. gillian looks in the main hall at st. johns, and finds only a group of suspiciously non-revels looking people
3. gillian goes up to the revels office and finds george, who happens to mention that the rehearsal doesn't actually start until 6.30
4. ariela shows up and saves gillian from looking like a complete idiot while gillian is calling lynda and elizabeth to figure out what the hell is going on
5. neither elizabeth nor lynda are home, and george is leaving, so ariela and gillian leave the church
6. gillian and ariela wander around watertown looking for a payphone
7. gillian and ariela find a payphone, gillian calls home and leaves a message, ariela calls home and secures a ride
8. gillian and ariela go to starbucks to wait for ariela's dad, and gillian gets a wicked good caramel apple cider thing
9. ariela's dad comes and is nice and gives gillian a ride into harvard square
10. gillian calls dad from the square and leaves another message for dad, then decides to walk to porter to get a burrito
11. gillian loses a fight with the bathroom door at ana's, but gets an awesome burrito with mountains of guacamole
12. gillian walks down 199 stairs in the porter T station, and gets a train to alewife
13. gillian discovers that no lexington buses run on sunday
14. gillian makes phonecalls:

dad (message)
tamar (busy)
KTB (out)
sarah (home!)
dad (message

15. gillian gets a ride home from awesome sarah and her super-awesome father
end gillian's grand adventure
and then the ensuing travel arrangement conversations with dad about practice, etc.

and then there were lovely discussions with fathers about internet use. but i was skillful. (die DBT, die.) i'm too tired to be angry, its just sorta when-you-get-around-to-it-fucking-off-would-be-nice-thanks, y'know?

also girls are confusing.

dum dee dum dee dum

2004-02-21T22:22:09Z

woke up early, couldn't fall back to sleep. eventually got up when dad and KTB were at pilates in somerville, and made rice noodles with garlic and olive oil. watched But I'm A Cheerleader while i was eating, then stopped to make brownies. watched the rest, ate brownies, cheerfulness. called kay and chatted, was marginally bitchy. i love that girl (meggy, here), and even though i might not be as wonderfully overprotective as some people, i will still perform a hysterectomy/castration (whichever applicable) with a large blunt object and then make you die a slow and painful death if you hurt certain people. anyways, that was that, and now i'm listening to music and playing freecell and waiting to hear back from sarah. i want to do something fun today, people should call me and set up something so i can have a few days of actual vacation (being at school 9-3 over break does not count as break, i don't care what i was doing) ie, have fun.

yesterday while attempting to drill something on the egg, i stopped swearing at the black&decker and turned around to hear someone say "hey gilly, baby?" and i was shocked because kristin is at mcgill, what's her voice doing in stage storage? but it was just beth, and then i had a sudden insight (trying not to say 'epiphany'): beth=kristin. they look alike, they sound alike, they call me the same thing in the same way, and they have the same coat. WEIRD.

the cat is sitting on top of the computer watching me sing about having the strength to be my man along with the dixie chicks and swearing at the stupid keyboard for not being conducive to my typing-without-an-index-finger efforts. (letting my burn air out) its funny, tech starts and all of a sudden my hands are plagued myriads of minor injuries - splinters (7), glue gun burns (2), slipping on the ice (1), cutting my thumb with a hand saw while attempting to file down something (2), and being attacked by the egg (ably assisted by beth and sarah) (1). psh. i guess that's life.

iamtheocean @ 2004-02-20T17:47:00

2004-02-20T22:47:15Z

icky fight with dad yesterday, walking home in the dark from the bus from the T from harvard square (shrinkage) at 8.30 pm = not so much fun

look at all those stars...look how goddamn ugly the stars are

more tech monday to finish the egg. gah.

jelly tonight, possibly.

my day:

2004-02-19T21:21:45Z

12.03 AM: just before i finally fall asleep, i have an ingenious idea about the construction of the egg. so of course i get out of bed, turn on the lights, write it all down, and spend another half hour trying to get back to sleep

3.15 AM: wake up suddenly because my head and shoulders have suddenly dropped 8 inches and there was a loud crack from the bed. didn't feel like fixing whatever it was, so moved all my blankets into the spare room, got comfortable, and then remembered that i had to get my alarm clock into the same room so i wouldn't wake dad up in the morning. then couldn't find an outlet so i had to turn the lights on, and didn't doze off until nearly 4

7.00 AM: awaken to discover that the temperature in the spare room is approximately 40 degrees, because the heating vent is closed and one of the windows isn't totally sealed. decide that i met as well get up, so i take a shower, biting my tongue the entire time so i don't scream and wake dad. make breakfast, clean up downstairs, prep some lunch and am all ready to head out by 7.50. of course, i can't leave until 8.15 because i have to tell dad i'm going and he won't be happy if i wake him up any earlier than that, so i go upstairs and fix my bed. sit around for another 20 minutes watching the kettle boil, and then make my tea and head out.

8.40 AM: arrive at school, go in through the loading dock, and sit outside stage storage for 20 minutes until tamar shows up. not feeling so good at that point, for various reasons, and really just want to curl up somewhere and cry, but know that if i do i'll be totally dysfunctional for the rest of the day.

9.20 AM: explain my genius idea to steve, who doesn't seem to like it, but has no better alternative proposal. then get bitched at about cubes, explain an easier way to fix them, get bitched at by steve for not building them right, and cut a few handles.

10.00 AM: start screwing 2x4s into the base of the egg platform, which turns out to be far more complicated than previously expected. enlist carolyn, and we spend 45 minutes getting 4 screws in, only to discover that 3 out of the 4 are in wrong. so we take them out and do it again

11.15 AM: beth shows up, and helps me and carolyn get the last bits of bracing onto the platform. this takes forever, and ends up with large bruises on my hips.

2.45 PM: finally get to a point where it feels like i might want to stop, and decide to walk to the center to deposit my check from grandma. beth is walking to the center too, but then i didn't really feel like going to the bank, especially since i didn't have my ID and didn't feel like waiting while they pulled my signature card out. so beth and i walk down to the starbucks near walgreens and talk, and it was enjoyable.

3.00 PM: beth goes into starbucks to meet her french lover i mean teacher and 'play scrabble' (that's one i haven't heard before) and i walk the rest of the way home. and i get home and see dad's car in the garage and just have this sudden intense urge to just turn around and go back into the center and get all my money out of the bank and leave, just get the hell out of this town and go anywhere, anywhere at all that's not here and where no one knows me and i can be someone else and nobody will care. but then i walk inside and no one's there (obligatory search-every-corner-for-dead-bodies occurs), so i make tea and start writing.

3.45 PM: i attempt to explain to tamar what a self destructive urge is, and fail miserably. then liora comes online and makes me happy with her cynical bitterness, and i drink half and half and feel dumb

4.15 PM: dad and KTB get home. i keep talking to people online. feel idiotic. etc. the usual.

iamtheocean @ 2004-02-18T18:35:00

2004-02-19T00:14:04Z

listening to far too much deb talan

take it from me, it is no use
washing your hands so often, they are clean and cracked
you'll never get your old skin back...

it never seems to matter
the tears i cry
there's a well inside of me
that never runs dry
from being born, i guess...

and now you only dream in peaceful blue
and the morning doesn't even scare you, anymore

you can't do it on your own
and even if you could would you really want to?

Now honey don't trust anyone who looks you in the eye
Don't take any kindness, it's a demand in disguise

maybe i'm too jaded to love somebody like you
maybe i want to love my dream that will never come true
someone who is real only gets in the way
and moves inside my heart, not just my head
interfering with how i want to feel
how do i want to feel?
i wonder...

watched the E/A DVD from jerry callen. wonderfully fun (i get to remember oddington!!!), except really scary, because there's a clip of me doing princess royal. we won't go into my lack-of-perfection in said jig, but...halfway through the slows, my knee gave out. and it was just incredibly frightening to watch my leg collapse under me, because that's my life and it would kill me if i couldn't dance. well, more like "sneak preview! this is what's going to happen to you every day by the time you're 21!" which kind of sucks. a lot.

also my finger is...weird. ack i'm crazy.